My ass got punked!

Ever had a day so surreal that you have to pinch yourself to make sure that you are awake.

Friday the 13th started out like any other day. Juggling kids to daycare, get to work, remember to breathe and hope like hell that you can make it through the day.

Work was fairly standard. No one died on me today thankfully and I don't think that I caused permanent damage to anyone.

I am a creature of habit. I like consistency and routine. I knew that my mate Pete and his son were coming up to a visit. I was excited, good to see my kids playing.

Little did I know that there was treachery afoot.

You see, Pete's son had grown about 3 feet and developed a wonderful rack. Unbeknownst to me, Pete had organised my gorgeous friend to visit.

Walking into my kitchen was my friend Punk* (*name changed to protect the guilty) who I had not seen in about 3 years. I am still shocked and not sure if I want to kill Pete or kiss him for the wonderful surprise.

This weekend is about taking chances. He is taking a chance with a new friend, Punk took a chance up to see me and I'm taking a chance to live without thinking.

3 souls awakening.

Post match roundup

This indecision's got me climbing up the walls
I've been cheating gravity and waiting on the falls
How did this come over me, I thought I was above it all
Our hopes gone up in smoke, swallow your crown

Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear
When you go I come loose

These premonitions got me crying up a storm
Leave your condition, this position does no harm

Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear
When you go I come loose

Its been decreed by the Paediatrician that Mr H has mild autism.

I've been fighting for this for 6 years, you would think that I would be happy. In reality, I'm shattered. I guess I had hoped that it would be something that could be looked after, managed and improved.

I WILL not let this affect him. Any issue I have with this is my issue and mine alone. Its not a death sentence, but rather a change in direction.

He will be worth this. The fight isn't over, its barely begun..... Batter up.

Tomorrow...

The sun will come out tomorrow
The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow there'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow 'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck a day
That's gray, And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin, And Say, Oh!

The sun'll come out tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow, come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always a day away!

Nothing like a lil Broadway to try and brighten the day.

The day is pouring, the boss forgot that I was taking tomorrow off so I'll have Hayden at work with me until the appt, the run list shows 26 patients, but the sun will come out..... one day soon.

Wish I knew what I was doing.....

Well its end of term, that means report cards.

A card full of D's and E's. The reason? The teacher cannot get Hayden to do anything if she is not standing over him. No one-on-one? No work. He has been sent to the office numerous times over this.

I should warn you all that I am slightly inebriated as I write this. My heart is heavy and soul feels shattered that I do not know what to do or how to help my little man.

The occasional flash of brilliance leads people to think that he's manipulating the situation. No doubt that sometimes is true, however I will not believe that it is all manipulation. His brain seems to backfire a moment of brilliance to silence the critics at times.

I wish I knew what I was dealing with. I hate that I distance myself from him in order to keep a neutral perspective on it all. I hate that I'm screwing up his childhood by being so freaking paranoid that there is something wrong and I REALLY hate that no matter what, I cannot bring myself to ignore this mummy urge to protect him from everything out there.

Rock those lil sheepies!!

Dinner table conversation last night.

Hayden was telling us about his favourite songs:

Boom Boom Pow - Black Eye Peas
Straight lines - Silverchair
Thunderstruck - AC/DC

and

Baa Baa Black Sheep.

I love how random he is....

Sunday musings

Typing this from my android, so forgive me my typos (or at least credit me on Damn you auto correct).

I spoke to Hayden's swimming teachers about separating him and bubby during the lesson. There were only a few children in the class so hayden ended up getting a private lesson.

When asked to show his feet whilst kicking, he swam in circles to give her optimum viewing potential. When asked to swim a little deeper, I think that the titanic would have been closer to the surface than what he was.

It's exhausting, trying to work out how words will be interpreted by the lil general. Any request needs to be broken down to single steps.

I try and write about the lighter side to our lives, but its not always easy. I try hard to think that he is a special gift given to us for a reason, but the darker side of me wants to be able to blame someone and scream at them to fix it.

I blame myself for the most part. Not for him being the way he is, rather I'm mad at myself for not being smart enough to understand my own son.

United we stand...

You'd almost be forgiven for thinking that Hayden was an only child at this stage. There is a lot of effort and energy put into his development, but Hayden is the eldest of 3.

Hayden and Bubby are best friends and worst enemies. They constantly fight when together and pine when apart. I've seen magnets with less pulling power than the relationship between those two. I know that I am biased, but Bubby could model. She has stunning looks that have Daddy checking out the logistics of a gun license to keep all the boys away.

Bear is my crazy youngest. She is my partner in snark. With a twinkle in her eye, she can reduce me to tears with her observations on the world. I feel that Hayden and Bear aren't as close as Hayden and Bubby, but the rivalry between the two isn't nearly as prominent. That doesn't mean to say that they don't have rip-snorting fights, but usually its ended with an eyeroll from Bear as she walks away (an act that Hayden and Bubby seem unable to perform).

There are lots of people who feature in this production we call our lives. To protect the innocent, I will not name anyone without permission. That doesn't mean that information won't be passed on, like with Bubby and Bear, I use nicknames or alias'. The only true name is Hayden.

I would like to thank you all for the support so far. The messages that I have received are helping me write more and hopefully together we can help this wonderful young man spread his wings in the world.

Please feel free to ask any questions. I don't hide anything and I think I can handle constructive criticism. Although I'm writing this in a journal style, please feel free to pass it on to anyone you think may either a) be able to help us or b) benefit from talking to someone in the same situation. I've learned that pride may come before a fall, but it also prevents you from finding out information that may be vital to the situation.

Today I was me

I've found a book that Hayden wrote.

"Today I was me"

I'm not sure if that is what the title is meant to be, or what the story will be about, but it captures on paper the essence of H. He is who he is and I am love him the way that he is.

Living with Hayden can be like living on a faultline. One moment things are beautiful, the next moment we find ourselves living in a disaster zone. Meltdowns are often unexplained and brutal. Somedays you can predict when one is coming, yet otherdays you are caught unawares. Doesn't matter whether it is 6am, 10am or 2pm.

I find it hard to work out a way to communicate in a way he will understand. It makes it hard when consequences aren't understood (either positive or negative). I have to think through the sentence to see what he could take literally and, the hardest of all, not let any frustration show through to him.

All I want is for my boy to feel loved and secure.

He is who he is, and I love him for that.

Meet Hayden

Hayden is a beautiful, funny, innocent little boy. He can also be pigheaded, selfish and a typical 7 year old boy (I mean, who doesn't love a good fart joke?)

Hayden also needs help. He's literal to the end (asking him to 'hold his horses' can be quite amusing), unable to process multiple commands, low muscle tone and a unique way of looking at the world.

If Kelso from "That 70's show" mated with Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory", their lovechild would be Hayden. My lil man oscillates between incredibly intelligence to dopey and docile. He really is like a box of chocolates, we just don't know which flavour we prefer.

I am posting this as a mum who has been fighting for 6 years to get him help. The public system has not been much use as he is quite high functioning and if you don't see him during a meltdown, you won't guess there is anything there.

6 years and it has taken me 6 different paediatricians to find one that is willing to take a look at him. Add one more 6 and you wouldn't be blamed for thinking that he was a devil child. He's not. He's a beautiful little boy who may have a slight miswiring in the head.

And I love him anyway. So there.